I Don’t Intend to Age Gracefully.

I intend to fight it every step of the way.

This is a quote from an Oil of Olay commercial from my childhood. I think they sold an anti-aging cream. Maybe they still do. I don’t care.

My fight against aging is a fight against the creeping anxiety that threatens to overtake my carefree spirit.

And I will fight it every step of the way.

Motherhood has made me more flexible, more resilient, more compassionate and more calm.

I have a natural joie de vivre, an easy smile, and a semi-laid back worldview.

The more responsibilities I have the harder it is to feel carefree.

But what I have found is that being responsible and being anxious aren’t actually twins. Responsibility can come with a degree of solemnity without an avalanche of anxiety.

Last week I went to discharge a loved one out of subacute rehab. I usually went to visit them with the baby and their stroller and another relative and their walker, our merry band of humans with multiple four wheel apparatuses.

But this time, since I had to focus on the discharge papers, I went by myself.

Thank G-d, we were successfully discharged.

The aide drove the emancipated one home from the rehab.

I drove all by myself. A rare treat.

I rolled the windows down and blasted music heading down the highway, my ten-year-old wig secured tightly to my head, as whosever hair that originally was blew wildly in the wind.

I was grateful that he got out, happy to enjoy the quiet peace of the loud music, and just vibing.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the color and type of vehicle the aide was driving pass me and not get on to the highway where I was headed.

I panicked. Should I call him and tell him that he missed the exit?

Might he be kidnapping my loved one?

My thoughts reminded me of swimming lessons that our kids went to. There was nowhere to sit and the lessons were very close to where most people live. The rule was that no one is allowed to wait during lessons.

Once, I saw a mom peer through the cracks and watch her child learning to swim. She panicked and yelled because she thought the child was about to drown.

As understandable and relatable as that is, if you allow someone to teach your child to swim, you agreed to trust them, and them alone, with making sure that your child not drown. If you think that they are not trustworthy, don’t sign them up. But once you signed them up, Let Go!

The same with me and the aide.

If I thought that the aide could not drive or follow directions or was actually likely to kidnap my loved one, I should not have allowed them in the car with him.

Once I allowed him to drive them, my decision making part was over.

This is staying young.

Make a decision and then let go.

The constant look backs make you far older than wrinkles ever will.

The capitulation to anxiety makes you unhappy.

And the worrying diminishes your productivity.

I don’t intend to age gracefully.

I intend to fight it every step of the way.