Fruit flies.
I spend the whole summer trying at first to prevent, and then to get rid of, fruit flies: apple cider vinegar in a mason jar with four tiny holes drilled into the cover, wiping down surfaces, refrigerating soft peaches. It helps, but it doesn’t take them all away. The end of the summer ends the fruit flies. Completely. Without a trace. With no effort on my part.
This is a metaphor for parenting. We can try to prevent certain behaviors. We try to wean kids off of certain behaviors. But when they are ready to let go, they do, completely, and without help from us.
Obviously, this does not apply to all behaviors. Just typical developmental behaviors. Of which there are many. And many are extremely inconvenient and often don’t feel normal, even if they technically are.
We cannot sit on our hands and not attempt to influence the behaviors of young children. But we can realize that our attempts are just that. And in due time, most good things will come, and most bad things will leave.
Ethics of Our Fathers.
Shabbos comes every week. It starts a little before sundown on Friday and ends after sunset on Saturday. Because it is tied to the time the sun rises and sets, a summer Shabbos feels very different from a winter Shabbos. In the summer, where we live, Shabbos can start as late as 8:15 p.m. Friday can be a day to cook and prepare, and still go into Shabbos with a few extra things done. After lunch Shabbos day in the summer, there are many hours until what we colloquially call Shalosh Seudos. Shalosh Seudos literally means three meals (meaning the three meals of Shabbos: Friday night (dinner), Shabbos day (Saturday lunch), and the light, usually cold dinner early in the late afternoon/early evening on Saturday). It is used to mean the third meal specifically because by eating the third meal, one has eaten all three meals. Additionally, the third meal is the meal that wouldn’t be eaten but for Shabbos. On holidays that are not Shabbos, we eat the other two meals, but not the third.
On long, warm, sunny, relaxed, summer Shabbos afternoons, that even with a nap stretch on seemingly endlessly, we learn one chapter of Ethics of Our Fathers. I like to have fresh fruit, candy, chips, and ice pops for the kids; cake, cookies and tea for the adults. (Disclaimer: it can be a long afternoon for moms of little ones. I don’t want to gloss over that.) There are six chapters. We start after Passover with the first chapter; communally each week has a specific chapter. The pattern extends until Rosh Hashana. (Coming up soon.) I have put mothering above everything else for twenty plus years, so my scholarship, until recently, took a very long sabbatical. But this one endeavor: six chapters, one chapter a week only in the summer, I kept close through the years. I use a children’s illustrated edition with a shiny purple cover and gold lettering. It is old and the publisher has put out a new one by now. As I went from a boy mom to a girl mom, my tiny set-aside for learning became something to share. I do the first week or two with whoever wants to, but after the kids lose interest, instead of trying to corral them to join me, like I do with everything else, I selfishly learn the rest by myself. It’s a rejuvenating walk through part of Jewish history and a reinforcing and refreshing grounding of clarity on Jewish values. I like to read aloud that week’s chapter. Ethics, as I understand it, was composed in a format to be memorized, and consequently has a repetitive and rhythmic cadence. I hold all six chapters close to my heart.
Back to Fruit Flies.
Returning to the fruit fly metaphor for parenting, Ethics of Our Fathers says it best, as usual.
Ethics of Our Fathers 2:16
לא עליך המלאכה לגמור
ןלא אתה בן חורין להבטל ממנה
“It is not incumbent upon you to finish the task, but neither are you free to absolve yourself from it.”
https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2011/jewish/Chapter-Two.htm
Good parenting is the hardest job of all. As a parent of adults, I can say the results come later. As I watch them navigate the world, stay Jews, and raise children I can see the product of my work. I thank Ha Shem for his guidance and protection because I couldn't do it alone.
Am Israel Chai
I am going to have to disagree with the fruit fly metaphor a little bit. Yes eventually the children leave, in a metaphorical sense, because they become adults, in a realistic sense. Their choices are now theirs and their mistakes are now theirs, their goals, aspirations and accomplishments are theirs as well. But unlike the fruit fly you have imparted your wisdom and effort into them. You have given them your heart and soul. And then, if you are truly lucky, one day you will play with your grandchildren.
The fruit fly on the other hand, just dies out because it has reached the end of its life. it is gone, until next year when its larvae comes back to annoy. Not the same as grandchildren (hopefully)
The truly intelligent among us never stop learning. The older I get I realize just how much I really don't know and the list keeps getting longer and longer. Enjoy your time for yourself :)